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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 27, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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>> a couple of nights agohey had the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, florida's gun laws come under scrutiny, great, now how will i cut in line at space mountain. then the romney campaign hits a speed bump, somebody make share that dog is still on the roof. and my guest dr. david page has new insights on the future of dna. yeah, yeah, yeah, dna. do we get flying cars or not. a canadian court has legalized brothels. but by the time all those layers of wall come off, the hour's up. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) , everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you're very kind. welcome to the report. good to you have with us. folks, i have to tell you, a day without you chanting is like a day without sunshine. last week i took a little break from the winter deep freeze down in the islands. i was sipping daiquiries on the beach, enjoying 84
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degrees while you suckers were stuck here shivering your balls off in 82 degrees. (laughter) now spring has sprung a little early this year. and so i'm going to say what everyone is thinking. punxsutawney phil is a liar! really! six more weeks of winter? oh really? you'll have to speak up, phil, i can't hear you over the cherry blossoms. (laughter) i put all my investments into parkas, swiss miss and road salt. i am ruined! folks, i believe we have all been punksed anyway, now that spring is here, folksing, i am going to put whatever little money i have left into nest twigs and flower nectar. i'm to the going to tell you where i got that tip. let's just say a little bird told me. now folks, it is never easy
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to talk about tragedy but the death of a young man in florida has dominated the news for the last week. >> 17-year-old trayvon martin was shot and killed. he was walking towards his father's home in a gated community. he was carrying a bag of skittles and an iced tea. the neighborhood watch captain george zimmerman says he shot the teen in self-defence. >> george zimmerman said he spotted what he called a suspicious black man and called 911. by the time police arrived, martin was dead. zimmerman said he faired in self-defense. >> stephen: it's a heartbreaking loss of life that stunned the nation and which president obama addressed on friday. >> when i think about this boy, i think about my own kids. may main message is to the parents of trayvon martin. you know, if i had a son he would look like trayvon. >> now at first i naively thought the president was expressing a moving sentiment to a troubled
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country. but then i learned better. >> what the president of the united states should do is try to bring people together, not use the horrible and tragic individual case to try to drive a wedge in america. >> is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot it what be okay, it just wouldn't look lake him. that's just nonsense. >> stephen: yes, it's nonsense. and newt knows nonsense. may i remind you, he is still running for president. (laughter) luckily-- luckily there is a way to heal the nation's racial divide and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) dressed to kill. now people are up set because the shooter was not arrested. thanks to florida's stand your ground law which gives legal immunity to people who use deadly force as long as they believe their safety was in danger. now one wrinkle with that
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law is that without witnesses, you have to take the shooter's word for it. now it would be very easy to blame the shooter or blame the law that let him off, or blame easy access to guns, or blame our nation's borderline pathological distrust of young black men. luckily, a top legal mind has fingered the real culprit. >> i am urging the family of black and latino youngsters particularly to not let their children go out wearing hoodies. people look at you, and what do they think. what is the instant identification, what is the instant association. it is those crime scene surveillance tapes. every time you see someone sticking up a 7-11 the kid is wearing a hoodie. i think the hoodie is as much responsible for trayvon martin's death as george zimmerman was. >> stephen: yes, did was the hoodie's fault.
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a hooded sweatshirt can make an innocent teen look like a criminal. just like a suit and glasses can make geraldo rivera look like a journalist. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i believe-- i believe, this is urgent. congress must pass strict hood-year control legislation. it is ter fewing to live in a country where you could walk into any wal-mart and buy a hoodie right off the rack. no background check. no seven day waiting period. now many parents, many parents keep their hoodies in an unlocked drawer where their kids can get at them. that is why my hoodies are hid then the back of my gun closet. plenty of room in there. because i keep my guns in my pocket in case anyone comes for my hoodies. and folks, fox news, the good people over at fox news aren't just talking the talk, they're also hiding the talk
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by hastily yanking the fox news hoodie from its on-line store. well, thank goodness they did that because their viewer kos have bought those hoodies and then formed a motorcycle gang. but folks, restrictive hoodie laws may not be enough. i have closely studied black people. everything from their family reunions to their christmases to their mad black diaries. and i have learned that african-americans wear other things besides hoodies. now saying this, saying this might offend some people but i believe black people are naturally stylish. that's not racist, that's a fact. (cheers and applause) that's why-- could look so good in a sweater vest and why at least one black person can relate to rick santorum. and folks, it's not just sweater vests and hoodies,
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there's also shirts and pants and some african-americans even wear dr. jackets or fireman's hats or judge's robes. which outfit am i supposed to be afraid of? so i say for their own safety, for their own safety, i'm calling on the african-american community to come together and choose a single threatening wardrobe so we can all agree who to be afraid of. then don't wear it because if you do, you have no one to blame by your outfit. i means what's important is that we get the powerful hoodie lobby out of politics. so americans of all races can have a frank and open discussion of clothing control before it's too late. because if we ever stop talking about these hoodies, we might start talking about guns. and that's the word. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey. welcome back, everybody. folks, a lot has happened in the gop race while i was gone. rick is santorum won the primary in louisiana. mitt romney won the primary in illinois but romney did not get to enjoy it for long.
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because of controversial comments made by romney communications director eric fehrn, storm. >> if they were concerned that at the this mate force the governor to attack to the right it would hurt him with mod rate voters. >> i think he hit a reset button for the fall campaign. everything changes. it's almost like an etch-a-sketch, you can kind of shake it up and we start all over again. >> stephen: yes, romney is like an etch-a-sketch in that they are both square and colorless. (laughter) you see, now people think that was a metaphor for romney being inconsistent. but the etch-a-sketch is very consistent. you can shake it all you want and all you're ever going to be able to draw is stairs. that was my attempt at a bird. but somehow eric
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fehrnstrom's comments ignited a media storm. >> the etch-a-sketch president. >> the etch-a-sketch comment this week was devastating to him it played directly to this narrative that he is a man who doesn't have core beliefs. >> that etch a step-- etch-a-sketch admission highlights his achilles heel. >> this will be remembered as etch-a-sketch day in campaign 2012. >> so here's governor romney's staff, i mean they don't even have the decency to wait till they get the nomination to explain to us how they will sell us out. >> my public policy isn't written on an etch-a-sketch, it's written on my heart. >> stephen: of course, the only way to read what's written on rick santorum's heart is with a transvaginal ultrasound. (cheers and applause) where there's a will there's a way. but folks, i don't see what's wrong with being compared to a classic toy. the entire campaign is full
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of them. we've got mr. potato head. the magical treasure troll, and the ken doll. totally smooth down there. and yes, eric, something, etch-a-sketch comment may reinforce the narrative created by romney's enemies that he is willing to say anything to get elected but that is so cynical. real political players know what this is really about. >> and the guy said well, you know, that always happens and then in the general election you go back to the middle which everybody knows is true. >> exactly why are people trying to turn these comments into something kraven. he is just saying that a candidate will say anything to get the nomination then say anything to get elected, then say anything to get a second term. then stand on principles for six months until he's a lame duck. you know, courage. (cheers and applause)
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but folks, i believe this is proof that romney is the right man because mitt promised will boost business and bring back the economy and this etch-a-sketch kerr enough sell already doing it. >> the romney campaign etch-a-sketch gaffe has been a boon to the company that makes the classic toy. sales of etch-a-sketch toys are booming. >> amazon sales of the toy are reportedly up 3,000 percent. >> stephen: yes, the economy need its more of this. i say we must get out there and compare romney to more products that reinforce his supposed weaknesses. here we go. mitt romney is like silly putty on a newspaper. you press him on to your political beliefs and he becomes an exact copy. (cheers and applause) plus, okay, m itt is like
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lincoln logs. both stiff and wooden. and mitt romney is like a lego man, he's only got one facial expression and his hair snaps on. economy saved! you're welcome. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) smiths.
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grass gurus. doers. here's to more saturdays in the sun. and budgets better spent. here's to turning rookies into experts, and shoppers into savers. here's to picking up. trading up. mixing it up. to well-earned muddy boots and a lot more spring per dollar. more saving. more doing. that the power of the home depot. break out the gardening gloves. miracle-gro garden soil is now 3 bags for 10 bucks. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an mit
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professor and director of the whitehead institute for biomedical research. i'm going to ask him to make me a manimal. please welcome david page. (cheers and applause) dr. page, thank you so much for coming on. sit down there. all right, sir, as i said you're the director of the whitehead institute for biomedical research. what is biomedical research? >> i'm here, stephen, tonight to defend the honor of the y chromosome in the face of impneum erhal insults to its character and future prospects. >> stephen: why is the y chromosome i should warn awe head of time that i do not believe in the science of chrome soms, so that is evolutionary science. i prefer-- that you place the word science with god and the word chrome sown with jesus and the word of
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with holy spirit. so tell me about the god holly spirit and jesus. >> thank you. so let's talk about chrome sown kansas city-- chromosomes, you've got in every one of your cell, stephen, you have 23 pairs of chromosomes. >> stephen: okay. >> and 22 of those 23 pairs are absolutely identical. and shared between males and females. but-- . >> stephen: so 22 of the 23 parts that make me up like my design is lady parts (laughter) >> they're the same in males and females. >> stephen: you are saying 22/23 of me is lady parts. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. >> i will take that, yeah, sure. >> stephen: okay so, i'm mostly lead, go ahead. >> well, no, but actually it's these 22 pairs are the same in males and females.
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>> stephen: right. >> it's the 23 pair that makes the difference. so the 23rd pair in females is two perfectly matched x chromosomes. but in you, stephen, and in all the other males here in colbert nation-- the 23rd pair is a mismatched x and a y chromosome. so if i may. >> stephen: i'm not sure if i may. i had heard as long as you are mentioning the y, is something that worries me, i had heard for years that these y chromosome that makes us a man, was going away. i heard like if people out there arguing that soon men would be obsolete and we would just be an all lady planet. >> well. >> stephen: a lesbian planet. >> this is-- . >> stephen: but no men around to watch. >> but this is-- this is the
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out mate insult that has been thrown in the face of the y chromosome. that it's going to disappear. and the claim has been made specifically that it's going to disappear in 10 million year's time so let me tell you where this story began. >> stephen: okay. >> so now i have to grab these. >> stephen: go for it. >> so. >> stephen: this is a family show, before you-- not sure where this is going. the chromosome is-- are you talking sex talk with chromosomes. >> we're going to talk about sex chromosomes which are the chromosomes,. >> stephen: what about this in the magazine nature, right. >> nature, yeah. so 300 million years ago when we were reptiles we actually existed as males and females but we didn't actually have any sex chromosomes. >> stephen: do we have you know -- >> yeah, we did. we did. so let me tell you what began to happen. 300 million years ago. >> stephen: that is a scrunchie.
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>> this is a scrunchie so 300 million years ago one member of a perfectly ode unsuspecting pair of chromosomes got a mutation, okay so we are gaeing to have to put this on here. and all right, like that. and. >> stephen: this is the dirty part. >> no, no-- . >> stephen: we have to blur that out, jimmy. >> so this acquired a sex determining gene. this one is becoming the y chromosome this one is going to become the x chromosome. but it turns out that after it acquired this sex determining gene, the y chromosome assumed some sort of funny behaviors. it stopped sharing information with its previously identical partner the x chromosome. >> stephen: it needed some me time. >> yeah, but it turns out that the isolationist behaviors on the part of the y chromosome led its economy
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to fail. and. >> stephen: led its economy to fail. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: is all of america a y chromosome. >> but let me tell you the full story. so the y chromosome started to deteriorate and a lot of stuff came off and then to make it worse, the x chromosome at the same time at the expense of the y, the x chromosome began to expand, right? so now-- (laughter) >> stephen: obviously this one just got out of the pool. >> yeah. >> stephen: i hate to cut to the chase but we have to get all of the pledge drive its. >> yeah, yeah, right, right, right. >> stephen: are there going to continue to be men. >> yeah so basically some of my scientific colleagues
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took this scenario extrapolated and said in the future the y chromosome is going to just disappear all together. now miraculously according to this theory women were not going to go extinct at the same time. here i will give you the x chromosome if you would like so it turns out that we had to set they will question about what was going happen with the y chromosome so my colleagues and i recently found by comparing your y chromosome. >> stephen: without my permission. >> yes with the y chromosome of the rheesus monkey and what we found was that your y chromosome and the monkey y chromosome carry essentially the same gene. >> stephen: it was dark. we were locked in the same cage. >> right, right. >> stephen: what do you want -- >> it turns out that that suggests that nothing much
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has happened to the y chromosome in the last 25 million years so the y chromosome was in a steep it nosedive but it basically leveled out and has been flying as a-- . >> stephen: thank you very much. >> so we're going to be okay. >> we're going to be okay. >> stephen: doctor, thank you so much. the director of the whitehead institute dr. david page. we
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